I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
