The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
