her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
