I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
