I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
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