I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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