i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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