porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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