I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
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