the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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