We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
