so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My liver just had a heart attack.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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