recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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