So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
