I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
