4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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