Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
