i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
True strength comes from lack of pants
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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