ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
