I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
