His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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