brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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