Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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