Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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