my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The air was thick with penises
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
