I hope mine doesn't look like that
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
