Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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