you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
