Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
