dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
