Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
