Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
