I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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