it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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