Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
