I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
