Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
