You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
