good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I need moral support for this bender
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dear god my vagina.
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