I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
