Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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