I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize