I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
