Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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