She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
