I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
