im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
