I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
