I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
