Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
