history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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