Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we're making bets on your personal life
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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