I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
