He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize