I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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