Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize