i jhust puked up my retainher.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
