I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
