I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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