i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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