Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
