My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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