Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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