get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
