My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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