haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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