I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize