I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize