I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize